Taste Treats

     I was thinking how people (and I am definitely included in "people" too) always think bad things happen to someone else.  Losing a job, death of a loved one, car accident, house catches fire, flood, illness, getting your wallet stolen, and so on.  And I was thinking how I am still sometimes flirting with the idea that the doctors have made a mistake, even though I know they wouldn't be giving me all these costly drugs in error, right? (Hate to be all dollars and cents about it, but you know it's true.)  All I am is just someone else's "someone else."  The wheel spins and it has to come to rest at some fixed point--it's just my turn this time.  Because I have to say, I've had a really stellar run up until now, and I'm fully prepared to continue a just-as-stellar life path afterward.   I can't complain.  I'm fortunate all the way around.   And this isn't me just being a Pollyanna about things.  A dear friend told me not to feel obligated to be the poster child for Happy Cancer, and I promise that's not what I'm doing. 
     So about 6 days after chemo this time the smell/taste changes started to happen.  Once again my amazing denial power had decided that, if I hadn't experienced it yet, it was going to skip me this time around.  So little smells that aren't on their own offensive just get to me--and an offensive smell?  Well, let's just say that if I were to walk by an Abercrombie store at the mall, there would be a "clean up on aisle 5" for sure!
     And the taste of certain things loses enough of itself to render it unpalatable.  My coffee, for example.  Sweet things (took a bite of my sister's coveted Christmas toffee--which should be a controlled substance because if you ever taste it and you are not in her inner distribution circle, you will become unravelled like a crack addict trying to get back to it again--and it just tasted "meh" when a few days ago it was a heavenly morsel), and of course, anything bland is just more bland.  Strong flavors register, or something very salty, but definitely the savory flavors translate better through Chemo Tongue than sweet.  Which is strange for me, the biggest sweet tooth of them all!
     Nausea is harder to keep a lid on as well this time.  I am taking my meds on schedule and it just seems that things are getting frayed at least an hour or two prior to the next dose, which didn't happen last time.  But no full-blown...well, you know.
     I am feeling much more fatigued for a longer stretch now than I was the last time.  It's a little deceptive to be looking at a day that includes on its earth-shattering agenda things like going to the post office, washing a load of towels, and having a phone conversation, and then I feel like I'm toast by the end.  Not a marathon runner in my past life, but I'm definitely used to being able to handle more on my plate than that.  
     This is where I think my power of positive thinking gets taxed more than when I am sitting in the chair getting chemo--it's staying positive while you are feeling, and seeing evidence of being, debilitated.  And then I have to think of what an easy time of it this is compared to someone facing this feeling as a constant; anyone with a chronic illness has to muster up this positivity all the time.  I am only being required to maintain what is, in the scheme of things, a series of short bursts of that positivity as far as how to cope with feeling physically diminished by an illness.  I am blown away by what kind of fortitude it takes on the part of someone who has to buckle up for a ride that really doesn't have an end point to it--it's easy to wrap your brain around a short-term situation, no matter how unpleasant.  The tough job is to hunker down and continue to make your journey (and then go for those awesome points again and again and enjoy your journey) when you know the road is just that unpleasant and may in fact get worse, but never better, for you.  Anyone I know can do what I'm doing right now--but doing the day-after-day forever plan, now that takes some guts right there.  
     Many thanks to all who are keeping my family (and me) fed --your meals are so appreciated, you can't even know!  My kids will never want to go back to my cooking on a consistent basis after all this--it's a beautiful thing and such a tremendous help, you just have no idea.  Thank you thank you!
     And hey:  Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Joyful Everything

(Post-chemo Jams:  "Sorrow" by Bad Religion,"Love You Till The End" by The Pogues, "San Francisco" by The Mowglis,  "Lose Yourself" by Eminem, and this one introduced to me by my daughter:  "Yorktown" from the musical Hamilton ["Hercules Mulligan, I need no introduction, When you knock me down I get the f@#& back up again."].)