Paranoia the Destroyer

     It's looking to hit 120 degrees here today, so I am hiding out indoors, hoping the electricity doesn't go out and the air conditioning and ceiling fans keep on keepin' on.  I had plans to run a few errands and, faced with prospect of feeling like I live inside an Easy-Bake Oven the moment I step out of the house or the car, I rationalized that there was no errand that couldn't be put off until another day.  I am currently sitting directly under a ceiling fan and pouring sweat from an ill-timed hot flash. Can I get an Amen from all the mature ladies? Amen!
     I have only 6 more radiation treatments to go before they cut me loose.  Even though I have had an easy time of it (with the lower dose and fewer treatments than, say, the breast cancer patients), I will not miss the daily trek to treatment.  I have an occasional cough and I'm a little bit hoarser at times than I've been in the past, and I am feeling pretty tired late in the afternoon.  But I can't say my fatigue isn't from poor sleep at night (menopausal hormonal fun) and perhaps a wee bit of depression creeping up on me.
     I remember that "I don't want to get out of bed feeling" from bouts of depression in the past, and this is a little like what that feels like.  Having experience with this, I'm determined to make sure I'm eating healthier than I have been and I'm going to try to motivate to exercise (c'mon endorphins!), even when I want to blow it off (internal whining:  It's too HOT to exercise! Waaaah!!).  I had hoped to get my out-of-shape booty back to Jazzercise, even though I will be dreading the huffing and puffing and trying not to pass out in the back of the classroom, but I can't get to my class and then get up to radiation in time.  So once my treatments are finished, I really have no excuse.  I actually had a dream last night that my Jazzercise instructor was grilling me about why I haven't been back to class, and I was feebly trying to float all my excuses her way.  And her dream incarnation wasn't buying any of it.  Damn.
     Depression or not, I need to get back in shape.  This many months away from a consistent schedule of exercise isn't doing me any good.  And really, although I still harbor a remnant of the fantasy that exercise will make me taller, younger, and thinner, I realize that exercise is about health, and the appearance benefits are just gravy.  My motto:  Ten squats a day keep assisted living at bay.  I mean, that's what it's all about, right?  You need those quads to get you up out of a chair or off the pot. Sorry to be blunt. It's quality of life.
     Sadly, I had my last visit with Dr. Ray Donc; he is scheduled at a different facility on the day of my last radiology oncologist check in, so I will be seeing someone else.  It is a strange feeling to regret not seeing him again, even though seeing him in the future would mean that I have cancer again, and I can't  honestly say I would sign up for that trade off.  But Dr. Ray Donc is really the gold standard for doctor/patient communication; I don't know if it is a skill that can be taught, but if it can, he's the one who should be teaching it.
     I'm doing my best to keep my anxiety in check regarding a little issue I'm having.  When I returned from my trip to Kentucky, I had some inner ear pain, kind of like when you have an ear infection.  And along with the ear pain was some pain in the side of my neck.  So I waited a few weeks and then went to an urgent care; that doctor said I had no infection and recommended some allergy spray and a decongestant.  After a few weeks of that with no improvement, I went to my ENT.  He said there was nothing wrong and recommended taking an anti-inflammatory and using warm compresses.  He didn't seem too interested in finding out what was causing the pain and told me that, if it got worse, I should come see him again.  Well THAT wasn't very satisfactory.
     I really don't think this is something horrible, but because it is all on the left side (same side as the tumor was), I have this irrational fear that it's a lymphoma tumor growing in my neck and pressing on nerves.  There is nothing to support this fear.  It could be general inflammation causing problems, perhaps related to the joint pain I'm having.  Who knows? It doesn't seem to be responding to any over-the-counter meds, and I'm thinking that maybe some acupuncture could help with the pain.
     But I would very much like to meet with some other ENT who can give me a reason for the pain (or at least act like he or she is vaguely interested in finding out what the cause is) so I can stop fighting back this anxiety that is now lurking always in the back of my mind.  I tried to be a Google sleuth and look up ear pain as a side effect of chemo, and I found a blog from a woman who was being treated for cancer and was suffering from some extreme ear pain...and then I read further in her blog and found that she died, so that didn't help my mental state.
     So I will continue to be proactive and take my own advice and keep seeing doctors until I find someone who can give me an answer that I'm satisfied with.  But I have to confess I'm just damn sick of seeing doctors.  I know, another Poor Pitiful Pearl moment.  I'll pull myself together.
     On a totally different note, I bleached out the top of my hair, just for kicks.  I figured that, if I hated how it turned out, I could just shave my head because I know what that's like and it's not a big deal to me anymore.  It looks a little odd, but I think I like it.  I initially tried to dye that white patch in the front blue, but I didn't realize the white hair would be so resistant to color.  It only turned a very sickly, pale blue that wasn't very satisfying.  I suppose I could add color now to the bleached parts and achieve something more vibrant.  We'll see.  It's kind of fun to know that there are such low stakes involved in doing things to my hair, because I can just start over at anytime.  Just bring on the clippers!  If I haul out some fun colors, I'll include a picture.

Regular Life Jams:  "Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber (okay, I know it's The Biebs, but seriously, I just love the line "my mama don't like you and she likes everyone"--it just tickles the heck out of me), "River" by Bishop Briggs, "Take Your Mama" by Scissor Sisters, "Ophelia" by The Lumineers, "Way Down We Go" by Kaleo, "Kiss This" by The Struts and, an oldie but a goodie, "Creep" by Radiohead.