This week marked a year since the day I was diagnosed with the Big C...I had planned to write something fabulous on the actual date, November 10, but things got a little bit, uh...hectic...here in the ol' USofA. I had some other things on my mind that pushed that milestone out of my head.
Which is perfect evidence of how good I have been feeling, of how much having cancer/being a cancer patient/being a cancer survivor is NOT in my brain in my day-to-day life.
My sister says this is my superpower: the ability to compartmentalize traumatic or just extremely unpleasant episodes and news in my life, and either tuck those things away in a far corner of my brain or, in some cases, completely erase them from my memory.
I don't know if this is necessarily always a good thing.
Sadly, it is also apparent that I will never merit a snazzy cape or shield because this superpower cannot be controlled--I cannot summon it at will. (Otherwise, I would have kicked that power into high gear this week. I'm just sayin'.)
So much has happened in just one year. From diagnosis through treatment to Seal of Remission to now. My daughter graduating high school and entering college. My son starting high school. My husband becoming a part-time East Coast resident. Extended family having babies. My cat having a wee little cancerous tumor removed. Me having ulcers (they think that's what all the pain was about--I saw the pictures, ewwww). Me losing hair. Me growing hair back. Me losing weight. Me gaining weight back.
The point is, it's not that much different from a lot of people's lives, really. Things happen, good and bad, and you keep moving forward, and you get through the bad stuff and you celebrate the good stuff where you can. No reason to complain because, in comparison to others, I'm living an awesome life.
Anniversary dates are a time for reflection, so...at the risk of stepping squarely into a cliche, cancer brought bonus features to this past year's journey that, in the right frame of mind, I can honestly say serve as substantial consolation prizes for the unvarnished turd that is cancer and it's treatment. I'm only sorry these cancer party favors don't get distributed among my entire cancer-fighting team at large, who certainly deserve the silver-lining perspective as much as, if not significantly more, than I do.
Things I Always Knew But, Because of Cancer, Am Finding Much Easier and More Natural to Embrace in My Life, In No Particular Order
You must empower yourself to be your most dedicated health advocate. It sucks. It requires time and effort and energy. But don't accept that there is "nothing" wrong if you don't feel well.
Long hair, don't care. In fact, no hair, don't care. Doesn't matter. Enjoy having it, or just don't have it, it's all good.
Stop saving the "good" stuff for some unnamed "special occasion." Every day you are here is a pretty darn special occasion, really. The good plates, the pretty sweater, the bottle of champagne that's been chilling in the fridge since you don't even remember when, the pair of earrings passed down from your grandmother. Seriously. What are you waiting for?
Enjoy the things you have, or move them along to someone who will enjoy them or use them. I had a profound sense of stress during cancer treatment related to the fear that, should I die from cancer, my family would be left to sort through the massive amounts of crap that I have accumulated. I felt this intense pre-potential-death guilt about it. I pictured my family's grief interrupted by angry exclamations of What the f***?! as they waded through endless piles of things and, because I was dead of course, I would not be able to defend my need to hang onto, for example, those beading supplies from 15 years ago when I indulged in a short-lived hobby that hadn't been used since. As if by magic, all the crap that had managed over time to fade into a misty and undemanding mental background moved sharply into focus. This is NOT to say that I have been successful at streamlining my surroundings into a shining example of stark, clinical, modern chic--but I am slowly chipping away at things. It makes me feel good to go through things and donate or give to a friend who appreciates it. My desire to acquire things has diminished greatly. Don't get me wrong--I looove stuff, all kinds of stuff. I like to look at things and think "that's so cool" and imagine having them but, when it comes down to it, actually possessing most (not all) of these things isn't something I really want anymore. It becomes mental clutter and makes stress.
Related to the above, I think this change in my relationship with things goes hand in hand with my experience during treatment of my relationships with people. It was all the people in my life, friends and family, who helped me through the experience. I think having cancer enriched my relationships because it elevated them to and cemented them in the level of importance and priority they should always occupy, something it is too easy to forget when I allow all the other brain-clutter of life to occupy my thinking. The farther I get from cancer treatment, the louder the extraneous brain noise gets and the more it intrudes, but at the very least I am aware of it and I can work diligently to silence it. Maybe I should just call this the La-La-La-I-Can't-Hear-You lesson.
It is really super cool to get mail. Meaning an actual card or note or straight-up multi-page letter sent through the US Postal Service with a stamp. People were incredible and sent me lots of it. Having a hand-addressed envelope pop up in a stack of bills and junk mail is just the most awesome thing ever. I'm going to try to send more mail. It makes the person receiving it feel good.
Avoiding having people over to your house because "my house is a mess" is stupid.
Tell people what they mean to you. There is no lifetime maximum on saying I love you to someone.
Be as kind as you can. You just don't know what people are going through. Until I was bald, no one would have suspected I was dealing with cancer. Hopefully I wasn't rampaging through my world acting like a complete witch but, if I had been, I likely would have appreciated a little bit of slack being given under the circumstances.
Sometimes scrambled eggs are the best food ever. Same for steamed rice with butter.
If singing makes you feel good, belt it out even if your voice sounds terrible. If putting on "that outfit" makes you feel sassy, then wear it out the door. If you think the cashier has beautiful eyes, say it. If the lady ahead of you in line is rocking a fierce look and, by the way, is wearing shoes to die for, tell her. If you need to apologize for something, or even if you suspect you might need to apologize, do it. If bringing up an "awkward" subject will truly help you or someone else, put on your big girl panties and stop avoiding it. If bringing up an awkward subject will be of no benefit but merely scratches some mental itch you're having, then shut your mouth. Don't be afraid to look silly or stupid or be the subject of derision. Live your life. Be happy. A stranger giving you the stink eye isn't going to kill you.
